Dealing with loss of spouse is a fragile thing. On March 25, 2022, I lost my “best-friend”, my spouse of almost 60 years, my rock, my companion. It was sudden, unexpected and shocking. It is hard to believe that he was just here 30 minutes ago, eating, laughing and playing games with friends. Now he is gone. The paramedics worked heroically in our home and then transported him to the hospital. There was really nothing more anyone could have done, but the reality was I kept asking myself, “what could I have done differently”.
Those First Days
Those first days were like a whirlwind. So much to do; decisions to make, people to contact, lots of food, beautiful flowers, caring friends calls, texts and visits and most importantly family surrounding me. It was like being in a different world, and nothing was real. This couldn’t really be happening. But, then reality hits; it is real and is really happening. What do I do now? My amazing family made sure that I wasn’t alone; even spending the night with me for several nights.
Grieving is Real
Yes!! Grieving is real! And I think it is important to allow yourself to grieve. Just don’t stay there too long. They say there are stages of grief, and I’m sure that is true, but what I know is that it is different for everyone. Don’t compare yourself and allow the process to work out for you. Let yourself feel those feelings that are so natural. Do not feel bad about the way you are feeling. Like I said, “Everyone is different.” For me personally, the support of my family helped me so much. They loved their dad and “Papa” so much, so we were all experiencing our grief together.
What Do I Do Now
The time comes when you ask yourself, “What do I do now?” That is real!! Life is forever changed, and you have to learn to adapt to something very new and sometimes scary. Because we had been together for the majority of our lives, we functioned as a pair. We loved being together, traveling, spending time with family and friends and attending church and lots of activities together. Of course, we did have our own interests, but now it is different. It is “just me” and what do I do with that reality?
Sort, Keep, Donate and Remember
The time comes that you have to make decisions about “their things”. This is different for each of us. I know people who just simply cannot handle this process, and others get it done rather quickly. I think it is important to do what feels right to you. It took me several months before I could even open his closet. Those beautiful memories are fresh, raw and real. Sometimes it takes nudges from family or friends to help you get around to this task. I am not going to lie, it was hard! But my sweet daughters came up with ways to make it easier, saving special items for some of their children. They decided to keep some very special shirts and make keepsakes for all of the family to remember him. Some daughters and granddaughters got together and made these and I gave them out as their Christmas gifts.
Dealing with “Those Firsts”
One of the challenges for me was dealing with those firsts. That first Mother’s Day, when I wouldn’t get roses; Father’s Day when he wasn’t here to celebrate; our anniversary when we always did something special; birthdays, holidays, new babies. Our family soon realized that these firsts were overwhelming to me. Thank goodness they understood and were right there with the roses, just when I needed them; calls, texts or visits. They keep me involved and busy, so the firsts are not so bad. I suggest that you find a way to deal with “those firsts” because they are real and can be painful.
Find Purpose Again
I think that it is important to find your purpose, in your new situation. There are many things that we can do. Find a new hobby, meet new friends, serve those in need, volunteer, attend church and social functions, which are sometimes difficult at first. Do not lose yourself but find a new purpose for your life.
Who Am I Now
I ask myself, “who am I now” that I am no longer a wife. I am still a mother, nana, friend and daughter of God. It is important to understand my new reality, but to also understand that I have worth and can live my life with purpose. I can use my faith in Jesus Christ to continually strengthen me and those around me. Whether you are religious or not, you are somebody important, so treat yourself well.
Choose to Find Happiness
In spite of all that has happened to you, choose to find happiness in your life as it is now. If you choose to be sad and sit around and do nothing, you will not be doing yourself any good. Find those things that can make you and others happy and focus there until you actually feel happiness again. For me I know that I will see him again, and that makes all the difference.
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